Grieving a Loved One Who has Dementia
Dementia can be a tricky beast to deal with. It can strike at any time and take on a broad spectrum of presentations. It’s also a double-edged sword. There are far worse diseases and situations out there that can affect your loved one. The positive: they’re still very much alive.
The downside is: the old, familiar version of your loved one is either about to change or is no longer in existence. Goodbyes are difficult, but a goodbye to someone who is still alive comes with its own complications.
Losing Someone Ambiguously
When you lose a loved one, no matter what the circumstances are, you’re likely to feel grief. Loss is loss after all.
It’s human nature, however, to want details and those circumstances to make sense. When the loss is due to a specific illness or disease, the brain can make sense of that. Even in more extreme instances of sudden loss, there is still a factual reason behind it that can provide answers.
Unfortunately, with dementia, the grief process starts long before the passing of your loved one. There isn’t anything specific that helps make sense. It’s confusing. It’s heartbreaking. You never fully know what you’re up against.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief is a term often used to describe the type of grief experienced with dementia and the inevitable decline of your loved one. Your grieving starts while that person is very much alive.
You start to grieve the condition, not death. It starts as soon as the dementia diagnosis is received. In some instances, it begins long before you notice symptoms or you realize something is not quite right.
A Whirlwind of Feelings and Emotions
As you notice steady changes in your loved one, each new thing can feel like a jolt all over again. You’re forced to watch your loved one chip away piece by piece with no guidebook or timeline to work off of.
Grief is a personal experience and often involves extreme sadness or distress. You may feel helpless, sadness, anger, or frustration. During the process, you might feel shock, guilt, or denial over accepting this situation.
These feelings of loss may change as the dementia progresses. Each week, day, or even hour can be different for you. You’re not only grieving the loss of the loved one you’ve always known, but also:
- Your relationship
- The support they have provided to you
- Communication with them
- Shared interests and time spent together
- Your current way of life
- Your freedom from having to provide care for them
- The future plans you’ve had in your head before their dementia
How to Cope with This Grief
Since grief is personal to begin with, and dementia presents differently each day, you will need to reflect on your situation. First and foremost, it’s important to note that anticipatory grief is completely normal. Allow yourself to mourn in the moment, even if it is before their passing. Each new decline, give yourself space to feel your feelings.
Providing care for your loved one can be taxing and deplete your energy bank. Even if you’re not providing the direct care, you’re still faced with the reality of the situation on a daily basis. You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
Take a break when needed. Providing care can be exhausting. Focusing on the dementia itself can be quite taxing. It is ok to take a break. You need to protect your energy and lighten your own spirits when able.
There are also support options available specifically for dealing with dementia-related situations. You can attend a support group, find resources to guide you, and also seek out professional services to help manage your grief.
If you’re struggling with grief related to a loved one with dementia, professional support is available. Working with a therapist can help you develop strategies that will benefit you, your family and the person with the dementia. Therapists at Wellness Matters specialize in dealing with issues related to grief, loss, and life management when things get tough. Feel free to contact us today to set up an appointment. You can connect with the Wellness Matters Intake Coordinator by texting or calling (218) 616-1276
At Wellness Matters, the intake process is all on-line and can be done in less than fifteen minutes. On-line appointments make it possible to attend appointments from the comfort from your home or office. In-person services may also be available for people living in northern MN.
