Family Communication is Challenging!!
Some people joke about having a “dysfunctional” family. Others say they can’t speak to anyone else the way they speak with their family members. While there’s some fun in having friendly family banter and unique ways of communicating, there are also some red flags that should be avoided. Every member of your family is different. No matter how close you are, you all have your own communication style. As a result, there’s bound to be some discord from time to time.
Maybe you know your family has communication issues, and they’ve affected you for years. No matter the situation, it’s never too late to educate yourself on the dos and don’ts of family communication. The more you recognize some of the issues (and what’s causing them), the easier it will be to take healthy steps toward stronger communication efforts. With that in mind, let’s cover some of those dos and don’ts and what you can do to foster healthy communication.
Do: Express Your Feelings
No matter the discussion, approach a situation with your family using “I” statements. Far too often, family members try to work through challenges or miscommunication issues by saying “you.” Most people don’t realize how often “you should….” comes out of our mouths. Or how easily it elicits defensiveness. Even if you have good intentions. Family members may feel like they’re getting attacked or that you’re putting all of the blame on them for how you feel. Never lecture someone. Rather, keep your statements short and concise. Using objective language (i.e., descriptions using one of the five sense: I saw, I heard, etc.) can help get your point across and is less likely to be argued with than sweeping generalizations that include “always” and “never”. Again, make sure you’re utilizing “I” statements to get your point across.
Don’t: Be Disrespectful
One of the worst things you can do when you’re trying to discuss something with a family member is to show disrespect. You wouldn’t want them to show it to you, so offer them the courtesy you would want. Respect means actively listening. Don’t just hear what your family members have to say—truly listen. Ask questions when you don’t understand something. Repeat small phrases to let them know you hear them. Make eye contact, and don’t let yourself be distracted by other things.
Additionally, make sure you’re not interrupting. If things get emotional or you’re in the middle of an intense conversation, it can be tempting to chime in with your opinion or argument. There will always be time for that, but the person you’re talking to deserves to get their point across clearly. Conversations centered around respect are likely to be more productive and fulfilling.
Do: Stay on Topic
Some people are more inclined to keep their emotions inside for long periods of time. Maybe there’s something about a family member that’s been bothering you for months (or years), but you’ve never talked about it. Unfortunately, that can do more harm than good. Emotions always demand to be felt, and eventually, you’ll have to confront that person. It’s likely that when you do, your emotions will be running high. However, it will probably be something small that triggers you to lash out.
No matter how hurt or frustrated you are, do your best to stay on topic. Don’t bring up past hurts or mistakes. Those are things you can talk about at a different time. By bringing up things from the past, you’re playing the “blame game” again, and the person you’re talking to is likely to get defensive.
Do: Stay Calm and Deflect if Needed
The saying of “count to ten” that we have heard for years is actually a great option for staying calm in the face of rising emotions. Particulalry when combined with deep breathing or physically stepping away for a moment.
It’s okay for people to family members to have different opinions – this may be new territory from perhaps being forced to being in lock step in world views while growing up. Agreeing to disagree or using such sayings as “we remember things differently,” “its okay if we don’t agree 100% on everything” or “I appreciate your perspective – I am going to have to think on that” can be helpful. We can prepare ourselves for potentially contentious situations by having a few responses ready.
Dealing with family issues is never easy. However, it’s less of a rollercoaster when you know how to
communicate effectively. You can’t control how others in your family communicate with you, but you can absolutely control your own efforts. Keep these suggestions in mind and use them to move forward and foster healthier, happier family dynamics.
Are your family dynamics and communication struggles weighing you down or causing you unmanageable anxiety? If you woud like more support, text or call the Wellness Matters Intake Coordinator at 218-616-1276 to set up an appointment. Gaining support sooner rather than later is always a better option!
