Managing Expectations in Your Marriage
In a digital pop culture society, complete with deepfakes and artificial intelligence, expectations can become a little skewed. We’ve already lived for a long time with fairy tales and romantic comedies. These days, things have kicked up a few dozen notches to create a minefield when it comes to what we expect from life partners.
In a nutshell, marriage involves compromise, sacrifice, and a commitment to working together to continually evolve. This is not to imply that “love at first sight” and “happily ever after” don’t happen. But it is to assert that we’d all be better off if we assessed our expectations with both feet planted firmly on the ground.
Where Do Our Relationship Expectations Come From?
Each of us is raised in a unique way that creates an attachment style by which we interact with the world. In our closest and most intimate relationships, this method of attachment is most relevant and obvious. Therefore, the task of managing marriage expectations begins with an awareness that both partners can benefit from self-exploration, and this, in turn, can create fertile ground for a healthy romance. Your individual wants and needs can be intertwined in healthy ways. That said, this process is too often overlooked.
What Happens When Expectations Don’t Align?
This is where this can get tragically ironic. If two partners have unrealistic expectations that happen to conflict, they may hit the panic button. In reality, you may be compatible on a deep level, but surface differences are clouding your view. A far more productive approach would be to choose face-to-face, honest communication during which you can first find common ground. From there, you’re on your way to discovering new ways to manage your individual preferences.
Managing Expectations in Your Marriage
It’s not as simple as writing out a wish list. Your connection must be built on love, compatibility, trust, respect, and other essential qualities. With such a foundation of standards in place, you are far better positioned to navigate the inevitable differences that will arise. Ideally, of course, you will have plenty in common. But what matters is that you share a strong connection. This can help you weather those times when you cannot see eye-to-eye on some big topics.
You see, if you have mutual respect, loyalty, passion, and trust, you’re already on your way to handling conflict in a healthy way. Conflict is inevitable and normal. What is far more difficult to cultivate is a commitment to working together when agreement is hard to find. Not all problems are solvable. However, not all unsolvable problems are deal-breakers. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Reframing How You Create Healthy and Realistic Expectations
- Begin with Commitment: When you’re secure that your partner is committed to riding the waves of your marriage, it can offer peace of mind. But be sure to express this commitment often. Make your relationship and your partner a top priority. Devote time, energy, and emotion to them.
- Don’t Succumb to the Need to “Fix” Your Partner: In this time of online comparisons, it’s easy to slip into a counterproductive habit of believing everyone else has it figured out — but not you. You may feel the urge to fix what you think is wrong with your partner. That’s not an expectation; it’s a form of control.
- Choose Gratitude and Appreciation: Issues must be addressed, of course, but that’s not the same as focusing primarily on the negative. How often do you notice when you feel gratitude, and how often do you express such appreciation?
Relationships provoke an avalanche of emotions, and it can be challenging to maintain clarity when pondering something as crucial as marital expectations.
At Wellness Matters, we have experienced therapists who specialize in relationships! Feel free to contact us today to set up an appointment. You can connect with the Wellness Matters Intake Coordinator by texting or calling
At Wellness Matters, the intake process is all on-line and can be done in less than fifteen minutes. On-line appointments make it possible to attend appointments from the comfort from your home or office. In-person services may also be available for people living in northern MN.
